Uh oh! Someone watched a little too much Sex and the City! Cringe!
Continuing on the theme of Happy First Birthday Covid I decided to speak to the masses this week, all about 💟LOVE 💟 something that’s become a hell of a lot different in pandemic times. Naturally, I had a lot of questions. Mostly things I’d been marinating on for a while as I watched myself and others navigate intimacy in a panini. Thank you to all who answered, there were so many excellent responses I couldn’t fit them all and begrudgingly put on my editor hat, it’s cool though I look really good in hats.
But first things first WHO took my survey? If there’s anything I learned from Intro Stats it was sampling bias (and that you can’t fail with a grade of 66). I tried to blast it out to as many people as possible on IG, Facebook, and good ol SMS. However, it was skewing young so I put it in my Hinge profile and set the age to 50 and distance to 35 miles. That only warranted a few half assed responses. I considered printing out flyers with a QR code linked to the survey and hanging them up in Chinatown, a great strategy but printing is an ordeal. This means that the whole thing skews to people in their mid-late 20’s who are, for the most part located in New York State.
Ok enough stats ick, let’s look at the juicy details, this email is my longest yet so click through to Substack to read the whole thing. It’s worth it, promise. All aboard the love boat.
Were you single/unpartnered on March 13th 2020? Did anything change during the course of the pandemic? If so what?
Most of you said that you were single at the beginning of the pandemic and for some that felt like a blessing. Two whole weeks of alone time. At least that’s how I felt. Until it wasn’t two weeks anymore.
“Had a fun 72 hour fling, otherwise, continued to bask in my solitude and independence” Ithaca, 24, She/Her
“My sex life became 0” New York, 24, He/Him
For those who were seeing someone, it seems that the panny opened the door to a crash course in relationship endurance...
“My girlfriend essentially moved into my apartment, which my four roommates had quickly fled from. By March 15th she had brought multiple suitcases over. We spent the next four months living just us...v unplanned relationship test.” Somerville, 26 She/Her
“I GOT ENGAGED LOL” New York, 26, She/Her
or a gentle respite from heavy unknowns...
“I was talking to an old college friend who I had hooked up with once in 2019. We Facetimed, talked on the phone a lot, and it felt more normal to be in a long distance "situationship" than before. Nothing felt as pressured because everyone is far away from everyone right now and the emphasis in society in general has been more on communication and emotions shared from afar.“ New Jersey, 25, She/Her
Then, of course, there were many of you that went through pandemic breakups, or even entire relationship life cycles in the panny…
“Yes! About a month into the pandemic, I broke up with my boyfriend of over 2 years. Oh, and we lived together in a tiny apartment that we now weren't allowed to leave, ever” Boston, 24, She/Her
“Fell in love circa July of 2020, dumped & heartbroken circa November 2020! Moral of the story: it was way easier to jump into a relationship during Covid since there is so little going on otherwise, I think (for me) this created a false perception of excitement, and falling in love which wasn't as real as I thought it was (if that makes sense).” New York, 24, She/Her
“Quarantine ignited a late stage honeymoon phase in a year long relaish which was cruelly and abruptly extinguished when things partially opened back up in the summer. Then the next month began an ardent 6 month workplace love affair (bc why not) which has since evolved. Keeping it fun and fresh.” New York, 24, She/Her
“YES, I met my ex in August on tinder — we actually got tattooed at the same studio at the same time and that was their opening line to me in the chat which was absolutely HAUNTING imo but not surprising bc the nyc queer community can feel eerily small sometimes.” New York, 24, They/Them
“I lived with my now ex partner for 8 months. We moved in together very soon after meeting on a dating app” Upstate NY, 26, He/Him
So what became an easier part of dating/loving/hooking up during the pandemic, and what became harder?
This year we’ve developed a somewhat common language to talk about our bodies. Or at least a comfortability around it. I’m hoping that translates to our intimate experiences as well. “I’m feeling under the weather, I’m going to get tested, I’ve been seeing other people recently, just wanted to give you a heads up.” All things that could translate and improve upon our sex and dating lives. I think that’s been an easier part, for me at least!
Easier
“It’s really convenient for my mask fetish” New York, 26, He/Him
“Exit strategies and easy let downs galore. What better way to avoid a second bad date than tapping into your hypochondriac tendencies and blaming an omnipresent global virus??” Ithaca, She/Her
“I really took this time to work on myself. I’ve never spent so much time alone. So when I learned to love the person I am, I was able to easily find what I want.” New York, 24, She/Her
“Because people are generally more guarded with their social interactions, I think it has forced us to be more upfront about our intentions in dating prior to meeting. This has been a blessing in my opinion.” Arizona, 27, He/Him
“It brought us a lot closer. I think the pandemic was really a clear line for a lot of relationships- like either this shit works or it doesn’t. I think I find joy in the really small things now- like we go to the dog park everyday in the morning because we are less busy running to work.” 26, New York, She/Her
“I moved to Santa Fe in February, so I quickly was quarantined with no friends and little opportunity to make any. When I met Chase we became so close so fast because he was the only person outside my family I knew. I think my level of isolation made our connection progress at an accelerated rate.” Sante Fe, 26, She/Her
“Most people have had time to sit with themselves, whether or not they wanted to. People seem to have a better understanding of what they’re looking for. Also what’s desirable has shifted a little bit, in my experience. Maybe a corporate job isn’t as enticing as it once was to people looking for a partner, and a more self reliant lifestyle has become more realistically favorable.” Upstate NY, 26, He/Him
“Being more honest. Really saying how we felt, neither of us wanted to label it a relationship and we wanted to know if the other was going to hook up with someone else. I guess the best part of being more vulnerable is that there isn't a nagging sense that they want something else.” New Jersey, 25, She/Her
Harder
“Because I lived at home with my parents that are at high risk, I felt guilty bringing anyone home or seeing anyone. Leading to no sex life.” New York, 24, He/Him
“Hooking up. Anyone else move back in with their parents for a stretch?” Ithaca, 25, She/Her
“It’s so much harder to have a one night stand” Ithaca, 24, Whatevs
“Navigating Covid boundaries. Are we eating inside? How am I going to kiss you if we’re wearing masks? And so on.” Arizona, 27, He/Him
“So much of our conflict has been around different views of social distancing and safety during COVID. I can’t wait to see what normal people argue about..” Santa Fe, 26, She/Her
“Besides the obvious... i think an under-acknowledged part of all this has been how it's not really possible to cross the last one percent of Really Moving On from your last partner. no matter how long it's been or HOW OVER it is for both of you, you are STILL the last person each of you were with! most times each party has some agency to change that at their own pace. But now its much more complicated.” Ithaca, 24, He/Him
“Meeting people naturally.. I prefer to meet someone through a mutual friend, work, going out, daily activities... as opposed to online. I hate judging someone based on a profile, and I also feel like I am not good at it” New Jersey, 24, She/Her
“Physical touch is a huge part of relationships and while there are so many benefits to communication it is hard to understate how important it is to just hold hands or hug the people you love.” New Jersey, 25, She/Her
“Hooking up with a hazmat suit on is bogus, I hate Covid!!!” New York, 26, He/Him
“It was so weird not being able to go out in public on normal dates the way you usually would when trying to get to know someone new. So it felt like circumstances either forced you to put things on the fast track to a light commitment so you could bring the person home and get to know them better from there OR the opposite, being letting things that might have had potential, but not the necessary spark, just flop bc the effort was too much. Tl:dr “Por que no los dos” doth not apply.” New York, 24, She/Her
If you've been in a relationship during COVID, what's something you learned about your partner during this time you might not have otherwise?
“Our sleep = NOT compatible. I am somewhat of a night owl, reading, pondering, scrolling, existential thoughts etc. she likes to be asleep by 9pm and falls asleep in two seconds” Somerville, 26, She/Her
“It takes a lot for him to feel stressed or fatigued when dealing with unpredictable times. He’s very level headed.” New York, 25, She/Her
“I found out he poops three times in the morning from the hours of 9-12. Which in my opinion is too many times.” New York, 26, She/Her
“How someone creates 'value' or 'meaning' to their life when all the typical daily distractions are null. For example: how does your partner want to spend their Friday nights now? With no bar to go out to, or parties to attend, what is your partners ideal and valued Friday night otherwise? I think this says a lot about how someone truly likes to spend their time.” New York, 24, She/Her
“He is very thoughtful about his friends and family (he took extra precautions to not potentially expose them seeing as some of them were high risk and he had a higher potential of spreading the virus)” Rochester, 23, She/Her
“He functions better and has way less anxiety in a clean apartment. But doesn't need the kitchen trash to be hidden....which drives me insane just tuck that bitch away!” New Paltz, 24, She/Her
“New bf thinks 50 degrees is “brick” which I only learned from sitting outside all the time. Pitiful.” New York, 24, She/Her
“That we both wanted it to work but weren’t the right fit for each other.” New York, 24, They/Them
Did you join dating apps? If so, how did you like them? Did you go on dates from the apps? If so, what did you do!
Honestly this question was kinda lame. Maybe it’s because I’m so disillusioned with the apps. But it felt appropriate since they blew tf up and were the hands down easiest way to meet someone in the pandemic.
“I had hinge for a week and I projected it onto a screen while my family visited so they could read my conversations. It was honestly so fun. I never went on dates. I downloaded it to see if my crush had one.” Sante Fe, 26, She/Her
“Yes. A few! Mostly walks, or drives, park dates, beach dates, walking the city or museum dates.” New York, 30, She/Her
“I remember going on Hinge the day after lockdown, somewhat hungover, and thinking how much of a mindfuck it was to be matching or talking with people you wouldn't be able to see for a month. So i decided to turn off all my apps until lockdown was over. and I haven't turned them back on. I’m weirdly proud of that. but I spend a ton of time talking with my friends about crushes anyways. they're all in relationships but they think its hilarious to brainstorm crushes for me to have from their personal lives.” Ithaca, 24, He/Him
“Guilty! Hinge, went on a few dates. Nothing stuck. Just another excuse to be on my phone. Also tinder but only for 24 hours. I have the attention span of a flea.” New York, 24, She/Her
“Yes. I’ve only gone on one date though. It lasted 8 months, so we did a lot.” Upstate NY, 26, He/Him
“I’ve had some luck, more so on Hinge than any others. My first date go-to used to be drinks, or dinner if we had mutual friends. Now it’s hiking—it’s still warm enough to pull that off here. I have no idea how that’s playing out in the northeast.” Arizona, 27, He/Him
Have you or anyone you know come up with creative ways to meet people during the pandemic?
“I usually gather brush in a nearby park and start a small fire on the ground. It usually takes 20 minutes for someone to call the cops and when they come they pretty much have to talk to you for at least a little while.” New York, 26, He/Him
“YES! one of my instagram mutuals (@design_dyke) also went through a pandemmy breakup and was organizing a raffle where the only way to get entries was to submit screenshots/proof of confessing a crush on someone, so I did that to a few people which fulfilled a similar need that going out to a club and kissing a stranger might have in the before-times.” New York, 24, They/Them
“One of my friends went go kart racing with his ex girlfriend. Outdoors in the middle of winter. He thought it would help them get back together. It did not. But it was pretty creative!” Ithaca, 24, He/Him
“One friend has gone for the virtual coworker in another country approach...will not end well” Somerville, 26, She/Her
“Work in unsafe abusive conditions and fall in love w/ tall barback” New York, 24, She/Her
“I’ve been single for a little while now, so I’m just starting to ask myself this. Until I hear something better, I’m just going to ride my bike around and see what happens.” Upstate NY, 26, He/Him
Did you reconnect with any exes or previous lovers during the pandemic? If so, how did that go?
Some of you said no, and most of you said fuck no. I don’t know why I didn’t expect this. I figured the pandemic would be the equivalent of a birthday text for ex lovers. An excuse to check in. I did it!! Didn’t work. I was seriously worried about safety in the beginning though! Ok I did it three times. Starting to get why you guys said fuck no.
“I spent a few weeks platonically sleeping on a couch with my ex at my best friends house. We wrestled and hugged and screamed at each other. We blamed each other for our relationships demise. Actually, maybe that was just me. Uhmmmmm I tried to fight him in a driveway and I bit his knee. He tried to snuggle and hug me and I refused. Now he has a new girlfriend and my heart be broken, but I’m not allowed to be sad.” Ithaca, 24, Whatevs
“UGH no but I have been having weeks in a row of dreams taking place in high school each featuring different exes on rotation.” New Paltz, 24, She/Her
“Lol no. Except in some dreams. Hi Wilson! (Don’t put that in...or do)” Somerville, 26, She/Her
“Yes. We’re getting married in a few weeks (:” Boston, 25, He/Him
“I talked to my ex bf a lot during the start of the pandemic- because everyone was worried about me working with Covid patients. I EVEN HUNG OUT WITH HIM & FIANCÉ. It was chill, we are friends now which I never thought would happen.” New York, 26, She/Her
Do you have a quarantine crush? Barista? Neighbor? Across the street cutie?
Mine is an extremely tall man who wears colored socks and sits outside of Regina's Grocery most days. He’s somebody important, I just don’t know who. There’s also a guy who works at a rare bookstore across from my apartment, the office windows are one level down from mine so I can see inside at night. Last summer, when I was really going through it I used to sit on the fire escape, watch him walk into work and think “Look up, look up, look up”. He never did. He must be a New Yorker, New Yorkers never look up.
“Yes, one of my childhood friends that I went on bike rides with” New York, 24, He/Him
“My boyfriend was my quarantine crush and barista and I went on weekly coffee outings just to stare at him. One week I saw him at a table out of the corner of my eye and pretended I didn’t because I didn’t want to approach him and then I left without saying hi. When I walked out I saw my sister I told her what happened and was kicking myself for wasting my once a week sighting. Then he swung open the door and said, “hi!” And I said, “hi!!!” It was very validating. I DM’d him the next day.” Santa Fe, 26, She/Her
“Fibulaa” New York, 24, She/Her
“Had one on my neighbor until she took her mask off” Miami, 36, He/Him
“Like all the time. The masks are misleading. I’ve even locked eyes with the UPS man, who knows what could have happened there (nothing of course, however he did keep coming back but that could have been because of all my Depop orders. Sorry dada)” New York, 24, She/Her
“Everyone. I’m horned up because I haven’t seen anyone but I’m also horned down because I haven’t seen anyone and I like it that way or maybe my anxiety likes it that way and my body wants me to be a shut in” Ithaca, 24, Whatevs
“A boy in a band who is a little too blissfully ignorant of the pandemic and therefore likely not a good match :( but sweet n pretty n nice to listen to nonetheless” Ithaca, 24, She/Her
“Ehhh kinda. Right now, my love life is pretty boring because I just moved back to my hometown, due to the pandemic. My quarantine crush is currently my manager (which is highly inappropriate considering there is a 10-15 age difference and he is married with kids) I know nothing will come of it, but a girl can dream. I also re-met someone snowboarding yesterday (through a friend) that I haven't seen in years, and maybe it is because I am bored but I am considering seeing if there are any sparks there” New Jersey, 25, She/Her
Whether you're partnered or not. Has the pandemic changed any of the qualities you look for in someone while dating?
“I think humor prevails as the most important quality in friends & partners” New York, 26, She/Her
“Not changed but confirmed that communication and silliness >>> above most things” Somerville, 26, She/Her
“I absolutely will not date someone who lives with their family. I know the pandemic is changing how we cohabitate but I don’t want your granny’s death on my hands.” Arizona, 27, He/Him
“Definitely need someone who’s more positive than me. With the tendency to think catastrophic thoughts, it would have been really unhealthy if we were both this way” New York, 25, She/Her
“Yes. I look at people’s level of distress tolerance and how they handle stress in general more. Do they handle hearing the word “no” with grace? Are they able to be with themselves in a constructive way?” New York, 30, She/Her
“Something i’ve always valued a lot in a relationship is communication and honesty, but I think being in a literal pandemic has made that need a lot more relevant, especially when it comes to letting one another know about how often you're getting tested/what your test results are/etc.” New York, 24, They/Them
“Yes! [At the beginning of Covid] When my ex and I were forced to be together and basically on top of each other 24/7, it brought a lot of ugly things to the surface that we had been avoiding. This pandemic is leaving a lot of us feeling sad, anxious, scared, etc. and it is important that you can lean on people around you when you are feeling low. I realized that I need to be with someone more thoughtful, and who will care about making my day a little bit easier when I need it (the bar is on the floor, MEN!) Now, I want to be with someone who is just as obsessed with me as I am” Boston, 24, She/Her
“Strong self awareness will be weighted more heavily in my books from here on out! What is not on the outside (a mask) might say a lot about what is on the inside (a virus... or selfishness). Lol” Ithaca, 24, She/Her
“I think it has done a great job at making everyone more introspective. The better you know yourself, the better you know what you need in a solid partner. I do really well in times of stress and change but tend to feel I'm not doing enough. I need someone who will intercept those thoughts and say "hey I got you today, don't worry" in a way that isn't invasive. Just knowing more solidly how I can be stronger with someone else has been life changing.” New Jersey, 25, She/Her
“Yes! Kindness, compassion, and empathy. It’s a cruel world out there.” New York, 24, She/Her
Has the pandemic changed your perceptions about how you give or receive love?
“I had a relationship end 6 weeks before the pandemic started, and for most of lockdown I couldn't help but think how much easier it would have been to still have that person to talk to, to be with, to entertain one another. I would have graciously given more to the relationship had I known the impending suspension of our social lives. My perception changed in that the benefits in the reciprocity of love are not always obvious and often pay off in ways that you'd never expect. A little more effort goes a long way so you might as well give it, they (and you) deserve it anyway.” New York, 24, He/Him
“I’ve always been super physically affectionate (even for non-romantic relationships). I love giving hugs and squeezes and pats and the pandemic has helped me round out my ~love giving~ skills with alternative verbal/non physical methods.” Ithaca, 24, She/Her
“Hmm. I think I receive love in smaller ways. Right now, people aren’t making money, we aren’t going out, we aren’t traveling. Something that I struggled with was comparison from my past relationships... like “oh we traveled together at this point” or they haven’t said “ily” yet. Because we weren’t in quar together and our relationship was still pretty new, the timeline has been a slow burn. Which I actually have grown to love and appreciate.” New York, 25, She/Her
“I know I have love, but apparently I need constant reminders via physical attention and touch. Cooking for one another also feels more intimate and slightly less intimidating than it used to.” New Paltz, 24, She/Her
“Having so much one on one time with two different people made me realize I require/seek way much more than I think I do in the way of affection and attention. But also made my caretaker inclinations really shine. Connie Britton in Dirty John and Mother Teresa had a daughter and she drives a white 06 Camry Solara SE” New York, 24, She/Her
What's something about dating that you think has permanently been lost to COVID?
Most of you said hookup culture, I’m no so convinced of that considering what your answers were to the question after this.
“I think there is so much division now- like TRUMP/BIDEN/VACCINATED/MASK etc. Like I think that prior to this year people could have maybe more conservative or liberal views & get along but it feels very divided. I think that people will date aligning to their specific views more which idk if good or bad? Probably bad” New York, 26, She/Her
“Making eye contact with someone across the bar, or smiling at a stranger on the street.” Arizona, 27, He/Him
“Maybe one night stands?? Health disclosure beyond STDs becoming the norm? Laminated and bedazzled vaccination cards u exchange on the first date aww” New York, 24, She/Her
“Kissing in bars R.I.P.” New Paltz, 24, She/Her
“Playing games. I think it’s harder for people to fain enthusiasm, or sincerity.” Upstate New York, 26, He/Him
“The increase in use of dating apps will make people more disposable.” Miami, 36, He/Him
“In my opinion many people are losing their desire to be someone they're not. They've seen that, hey the world could end, so they might as well be unapologetically themselves. I think it's a good thing that it's been lost because maybe the dating pool will have more authenticity to it” New Jersey, 25, She/Her
“Getting guzzied up and looking hot for your partner!!” New York, 25, She/Her
What are your predictions for a post-COVID dating scene?
“Gas mask orgies under the stars ✨” New York, 24, She/Her
“Depends on the generation. In regard to my last answer, I do think ages 18-23 will still be fuckin. However the older scene may be more cautious. I have a sense that a lot of people are thinking they missed out on part of their lives and try to make up for it. Serial dating perhaps? I think the question is, if we have to lock down again, who would you want to do it with? That’s the dating motivation I see happening.” New York, 24, She/Her
“All aboard the fuck train, this things leaving the station” New York, 26, He/Him
“LOTS OF SEX” New York, 30, She/Her
“I think people will be more likely to approach others in public post-COVID because we all missed that social interaction. I think we also might see the opposite, and some of the younger generations might be socially awkward and not want to approach people in public because we grew so used to the socially distanced lifestyle” New Jersey, 25, She/Her
“So many babies. Idk about dating. Many sexually deprived ppl on the prowl?” Somerville, 26, She/Her
“I think this summer will run wild with singles. I think those who have partners already and who didn’t experience pre pandemic life will have an interesting adjustment. I also can’t decide if there will be a lot of casual sex, or folks who had significant alone time during the panorama will be more interested in something more serious …” New York, 25, She/Her
“Maybe more exclusive relationships! But honestly maybe less because people are over it.” Santa Fe, 26, She/Her
“Once people are allowed sit at the bar again, there’s gonna be a lot of fucking in rest rooms” Miami, 36, He/Him
“After the pandemic I think there will be a weight lifted on those who are dating. Before it felt that there was a pressure, something really solid you had to find, and quickly. It felt there was a timeline to the engagement and the marriage and the babies. With all the weddings disrupted and the societal timeline being shaken I think it puts more emphasis on the love rather than the show. I think, and I hope, that the emphasis on love will continue. After such a hard year it's difficult to imagine not putting more emphasis on love.” New Jersey, 25, She/Her
“I predict I’ll still be single!!!!” Ithaca, 24, Whatevs
“Honestly no idea but I heard an interview on the radio with a Professor at Yale who studies social responses to epidemics throughout history and apparently for centuries the general pattern is that society typically enters into a state of manic sexuality after long periods of sexual repression during wars, epidemics, etc. Whoa!” Ithaca, 24, She/Her